CONVERSATION: Does being a Gay man, mean being Feminine?

Tuesday, February 15, 2011



Recently I went to dinner with some of my Hetro homies, a new dude came alone with us. 


Everyone knows about me, we have been friends with years, well while eating, they new guy 


says...so your the gay one? You don't act gay or look gay. My friends just stopped eating...I 


looked a the dude and said..."neither do you."...I think he got the hint. now I love when people 


are themselves. do you have fun. But its obvious that most of mainstream america, think that 


gay men are automatically feminine. When I meet women that try to come on to me, and I tell 


them that I am gay, they automatically assume I am down low, and I am not...i am just private 


and proud of it. There are some feminine brother out there, no big deal....be you. BUT when 


does it cross the line in to attention whoring?when does it become a caricature, a stereo type 


that is unfortunately attached to every gay man? Does the gay community have a shortage of 


"regular, masculine men?" Talk back, 

15 comments:

mightabeenking said...[Reply]

no. the gay community does not have a shortage of "regular, masculine men". the gay community has a shortage of "regular, masculine men" with enough courage to live their lives openly. hiding under the guise of the "private person" is a closet in and of itself.
as long as our society chooses such narrow and rigid definitions of what it is to be a man or woman we will all be at a loss.

TOUCH said...[Reply]

@mightabeenking

I personally Identify myself as a "private person" Not living in the closet...I don't feel then need to broadcast my sexuality anymore than I feel the need to broadcast my bank account info...its personal...TO ME.
Sexual preference should NOT define anyone....I don't see Hetro's broadcasting their sexual preference...but to each his own. For me, privacy is paramount, and comfortable.

mightabeenking said...[Reply]

the real question is, "what is so wrong with being feminine?" this is just an extension of the sexism that females face everywhere. any man who shows any signs femininity will always be demonized and ridiculed. we even do it to each other in the gay community. i recently read a quote that sums it up perfectly.
"When we have trouble accepting ourselves as gay, we have trouble accepting others who don't conform to masculinity. Ego dystonic refers to thoughts & behaviors that are in conflict, or dissonance, w. the needs & goals of the ego, or further, in conflict w. a person's ideal self (gay)."

TOUCH said...[Reply]

@mightabeenking

For me, there is nothing wrong with being feminine, if that is who you are...what is wrong with being masculine...i have often been accused of pretending to be masculine...by the gay community, as if I wasn't being myself. The knife cuts both ways. The question is, is it fair to pain't all gay men with the same brush? Which is what seems to be happening, in casting of shows...movies...etc.

mightabeenking said...[Reply]

@TOUCH i didn't mean any offense. however, i disagree. heterosexuals, often and freely, talk about their dating, marriage and sex lives regardless of what company they're in. we should have, expect and fight for the same freedom. i know a lot of gay people who choose to edit themselves around straight people for fear of a hostile or ignorant response. i think saying ure a "private person" is just another way of doing that.

TOUCH said...[Reply]

@mightabeenking
Oh NO offense taking papo! a healthy conversation is what I love. and I agree with you. I don't edit anything... I just don't talk about it as much...The same when I dated women back in the day...its just who I am personally. Come to think of it most of my friends, gay and straight, keep their love lives, THEIRS. But no issue at all! speak yo mind homie!

mightabeenking said...[Reply]

well, then u and ure friends are gentlemen. lol i apologize for putting u in a category that u don't belong. maybe i know too many rascals. lol

Timothy said...[Reply]

Obviously the dude who asked the "gay" question, is probably more interested in you then trying to come off homophobic.
The masculine/Feminine gay argument is VERY old and been worn down like 10 year old Goodyear tires. If you love yourself regardless of being masculine or feminine, than of course thats all that matter.

Jezza said...[Reply]

I sorta agreee with Timothy. I think the new guy's statement was ignorant but intended to be somewhat of a compliment.
I'm a police officer. I'm a very happy and friendly person. When people learn I'm a cop, the first thing they say is "You don't seem like a cop" I think this assumption is the same as your scenario. Because of over exposed portrayals of stereotypes, people make assumptions that are in no way accurate of the majority. Cops can't be nice guys? In truth, most of them are.
There are plenty of guys out there that are "under the radar" gays. For anyone to expect them (us) to have to wear a pride flag all the time and advertise to the world we're gay is just as ridiculous as someone going out of their way to advertise to the world they are rich, poor, or any other "status" that is no one's business but their own.

HTC TOUCH said...[Reply]

@Jezza
Jezza thanks for sharing...and by the way... I LOVE cops...well at least when I'm not in trouble lol

08ece4c2-38bc-11e0-b791-000f20980440 said...[Reply]

I love how you responded "neither do you". You gave him something to think about.

Lite said...[Reply]

Very good post. I think many times many of us get hung up on the labels of masculine, feminine, etc. that we simply forget to just be ourselves and live our lives. I personally label myself as just being a man, and my sexual preference is just that, my sexual preference, it doesn't define me as a person. I agree that the argument of masculine, feminine has been argued many times over and each side holds great points. There just needs to be a level of mutual respect between each subgroup within the gay community. Just because one person is not into the gay clubs, or one person doesn't broadcast their sexuality, doesn't make them any less gay than the person who does. I enjoyed reading your post man and the comments that followed.

george said...[Reply]

I always find it funny when gay men use the "I don't broadcast my sexuality" as an excuse to be in the closet. when a man has a pic of his wife on his desk no one calls it "broadcasting." When a woman casually mentions the weekend trip with her boyfriend no one ever says it's broadcasting. But it's only when gays are in similar positions do that word come up. It's bullshit. Man up.

HTC TOUCH said...[Reply]

@george
Actually George, I believe its what your opinion of "broadcasting" is... there are different levels for everyone. I personally don't think having a pic of your significant other on your desk, or talking about what you did with your boo, to your friends...broadcasting, Your NOT hiding, if they your peeps they should know. For me I have no problem doing those things, but its just not MY personality...at all. I don't feel the need to hide, I just don't feel the need to let strangers know anything about me. I also feel the need to live my life on blast to be proud of who I am...
I think that those who lie and deceive, should man up. But those who choose to keep to themselves, should be respected by the community...not everyone has to be on front street, some people just don't want the attention. Is that wrong?

Lite said...[Reply]

@george
I think your opinion of someone saying "I don't broadcast my sexuality" as being in the closet is a very one sided view. Personally I am not in the closet nor am I down low, yet I still don't broadcast my sexuality. My family knows, my friends know and some of my co-workers know and if anyone were to ask me I would be truthful and tell them that yes I am gay. However I don't volunteer that information just because I'm in the break room with someone. I think we have to be careful, and as I said before, to respect everyone where they are. I get sort of irritated when other gays want to rush others out of the closet. We don't know everyone's background or what coming out of the closet means to that person so we shouldn't be quick to call someone a coward or less of a man simply because they choose to be in the closet. Each man should have the privacy and respect to deal with their sexuality in their own way. We are all different and being gay doesn't mean we all participate in the same activities or live the same lives. That's just my opinion.